


Exhale

by Lovingthisstory



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Depressed Peter Parker, Eating Disorder, Fluff and Angst, IronDad and SpiderSon, Peter Needs a Hug, Sad Peter Parker, Self Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, lots and lots of angst, tags will change as story continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-03-26 18:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19011115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovingthisstory/pseuds/Lovingthisstory
Summary: The voices are really loud.Peter decides.





	1. "I'm Fine"

_The voices are really loud._ Peter decides. 

They’re so loud and they won’t shut up. He’s given up on telling to go away. 

_You’re so useless. Can’t even stand up for yourself. And you call yourself Spider-Man._ They tell him as his head smashes into a locker. It starts to bleed and he drops to the floor, clutching his stomach. Flash laughs cruelly and kicks him. Peter coughs out blood. 

“You’re pathetic Penis. You hear me? You’re a loser. Your nerdy friends don’t even want to hang out with you anymore. They don’t want you. Nobody does.” Flash sneers. 

Peter nods. It’s true. Ned and Michelle don’t want to hang out with him anymore, Flash is constantly slamming him into whatever he wants. His grades are dropping. May is working extra shifts to feed him and he hardly sees her anymore. It’s all his fault. He was being so selfish, so needy. 

Flash kicks him again and leaves. The crowd of people surrounding him start to leave. Hushed whispers and some laughs are what he hears. He’s left on the floor, with most likely broken ribs and a bleeding head and nose. He struggles to get up. He groans and manages to stand up. The pain is bearable. He’s dealt with worse as Spiderman. 

_Everyone loves Spider-Man. Penis Parker on the other hand? He’s useless and stupid. He can’t do anything right._

He quickly washes off the blood in the toilet and looks in the mirror. The wounds have already started to heal due to his quick healing abilities. He sighs and pushes the hair away from his face. He stares at himself. His pale face stared back at him with sunken cheekbones and dark eye-bags. Walking out of the toilet, he limps out of school. It's the last day of school before the holidays and he sees Happy waiting for him. 

He fakes a smile and pulls down his sleeves. “Hey Happy!”

“Get in the car kid. I’m on a tight schedule today.” He grumbles back. 

Peter nods and silently gets into the car. _He can’t stand you. You’re so annoying Peter._

He puts in an earphone and quietly stares out the window. “How was school today?” Happy asks. 

“It was good. Nothing interesting really happened.” He says whilst faking a smile. 

They are quiet for the rest of the trip.

\---

Once they reach Stark Tower, Peter steps out of the car and waves to Happy before walking into the building. Happy looks worried. 

Peter takes the lift up to Tony’s lab. Arriving outside the door, he takes a deep breath in and lets it out before opening the door. “Hey Mr Stark!” He cheerfully says. 

“Oh, hey kid. Come in.” He says cautiously. Happy told him that something was off about the boy but he didn’t know what. “How are you doing kiddo?”

“I’m good. I’m just a bit tired from staying up late for an assignment.” He says noticing the way Tony speaks. He sounds hesitant. _Mr Stark doesn’t even want to talk to you. He doesn’t know what to say to someone that’s so useless and dumb._

Tony nods, unconvinced. "If you say so kid. Anyway, I've got some stuff for us to work on today." He instructs Peter on what to do as they go along. An hour in, Peter is struggling to keep up with Tony. He didn't know if it was because he was too tired or because he just couldn't care anymore. 

"I'm sorry Mr Stark. I need to get going now." He lies. 

"So early? We aren't even halfway yet." He says with a raised eyebrow.

"Erm yeah. May wants me home early tonight for dinner and I got tons of homework to do anyway." 

Tony puts down his wrench. "Are you sure you're okay kid? You're acting off today." He says in concern.

"I'm fine Mr Stark. Just a bit tired, that's all." This is the third time he's had to say that today. First Happy, then Mr Stark. "Seriously, there's nothing to worry about."

Tony stares at him for a bit longer before convincing himself that the kid was just tired. He waves Peter off and goes back to working. The moment the door shuts, the facade drops. Peter walks out into an empty alley and changes into his suit. He doesn't go home. Instead, he swings himself onto the roof of the tower. Sitting there by himself, he sighs. The voices are back. Well, they never left. _No one cares about you. I bet you May won't even notice you're gone!_

He takes his mask off and sets it gently next to him. _Wanna play a game? For every hour May doesn't notice you're gone, a cut on the wrist. C'mon, you know you want to._

Peter did want to. He deserves to feel pain. He's so selfish, needy, and such a burden to everyone.


	2. Life, it hurts a lot more than death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's tired.

Peter often sat on the roof or the bridge. He liked the feeling of how high he was. He was currently on the roof of the Stark Tower. He had been sitting there from afternoon and it was now night and the cold breeze was freezing. He swings his legs back and forth wondering if it would hurt less if he drowned rather than fall off a building. 

Sometimes he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. He wishes he didn't need to do anything anymore. 

His senses tell him someone is behind him but its not a threat. “Kid, what are you doing up here?” Came the voice of Tony. 

“Just enjoying the view Mr Stark.” He says as he shivers internally. 

“I thought you said you were going home? That was five hours ago!” He says as he voice raises in concern. 

Peter waves him off. “I’ll be off now.” He says as he stands up. Wobbling, he almost falls off the ledge but catches himself just in time. 

Tony yelps in shock. “Shit! Don’t do that kid. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

_Yea Peter, stop being such a nuisance._

_Shut up._

“What did you say?” Tony narrows his eyes. 

“Not you Mr Stark.” He waves his hand absentmindedly. 

“Then who exactly was that directed at? There is no one else here.” He says sounding concerned. 

_Why does he sound … concerned? Can’t be. Mr Stark doesn’t care. He only cares if his suit gets ruined._

Peter is pulled out of his thoughts by Tony pulling off the ledge. He stumbles before Tony snaps his fingers in front of the boy’s face. 

“I was just talking to myself Mr Stark. I’ll go home now.” He says as his shoulders sink. 

“Kid, why don’t you stay with me for the night?” Tony offers. “You look exhausted and I don’t think you’ll make it back to your place without falling asleep.” He jokes. 

Peter considers this. _Go on. Be more of a burden. Cause more stress in someone’s life. We love that._

He shrugs “It’s okay, Mr Stark. I have some stuff to do at home anyway.” 

“Peter,” Tony says in a somewhat stern voice. “You need to rest. Let’s go inside.” 

“I’m fine,” he snaps. 

_I don’t want to be more of a burden._ He wanted to say. 

“I won’t ruin the suit okay? I’ll be really careful with it.” He says in an annoyed tone. 

“I don’t appreciate that tone kid.” Tony warns. 

“I’m sorry Mr Stark. It’s been a long day.” He says sounding worn out. 

Suddenly his body gives out and he blacks out. Tony catches him before he hits the ground. “Jesus kid. You definitely need to rest. And why are you so light?”

He carries Peter back inside and lays him on his bed. “Friday, inform me when he wakes up and make sure he doesn’t leave the building when he does.”

“Sure boss.” She replies. Tony shakes his head and sighs. He runs his fingers through his hair. He was worried for the kid. He was going to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with him.

\---

Peter wakes up to a blinding light and he groans. He tries to recall what happened last night. He mentally face palms when he remembers. He needs to get out of here. _God, you’re such an embarrassment. Fainting in front of Tony Stark? Do you honestly think he has nothing better to do other than take care of some stupid child? God, you’re stupid._

He tries to open the window but it doesn't budge. "Friday, open the window." 

"I'm afraid I can't do that Peter. Boss said to inform when you wake up and to not let you out of this building." She tells him. "Mr Stark is on his way to your room now."

"No, I want to go now. I don't want to see him." He tells her, narrowing his eyes as if she could see him.

"Why not?" Tony's voice shocks Peter and he flinches. 

"No reason. I just didn't want to deal with the consequences of my mistakes last night Mr Stark." He says with his head down. 

"You sound like a robot Peter," Tony pats the edge of the bed, gesturing for Peter to sit. "I think you should tell me what's going on with you these days."

"I told you I was tired. Now I'm fully rested and I have to get to school." He fakes a smile and walks towards the door. 

"Kid, it's Saturday," Tony tells him with a raised eyebrow. "You weren't just tired, I know that. Please don't lie to me, I can tell you have been." 

Peter looks away, angry at himself. _Didn't hide it well enough Penis. Great job, now you've worried Mr Stark. Was that what you wanted? God, you're so needy. Why don't you just go home and cut yourself? You know you want to._

"Kid, are you okay?" Tony voices his concern. Peter was digging his fingernails into his palm, it was on the verge of bleeding. 

_The pain feels good doesn't it? You can feel so much more with a blade. Just get away from here. No one wants you. No one wants to see you._

Peter turns and smiles. He uncurls his fingers. "I have some stuff to do at home Mr Stark. I think May will be worried about me."

"I've already called her and informed her about you staying here. She thinks it's best if you stay the weekend here." Tony smiles at him gently. He gently grabs Peter into a hug. 

Peter stands there shocked and speechless before hugging him back. He felt like crying but he didn't want to seem like such a baby. Mr Stark already has so much on his plate. He wishes he wasn't such a burden.


	3. I'm sad but I put on a smile anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The voices won't stop. But at times, they were right._ Peter thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Short self harm scene. Don't read if you're not comfortable.

Peter sighs as he drinks his hot chocolate. He stares at his drink while Tony stares at him. It was silent for Tony but not for Peter. The voices in his head were excruciatingly loud. _You can’t do anything right. What is wrong with you? Do something, get out of his sight. He doesn’t want to see you. No one does. Too ugly, worthless, friendless. God what’s the point of you even being here?_

“I need to go to the toilet.” Peter says as he stands up. He quickly walks away before Tony can say anything. 

He locks the door and looks around. Opening the cupboard door, he finds a new razor blade. He sighs in relief when he starts seeing red. He’s done it so much, it doesn’t really hurt anymore. He just likes seeing the blood drip from his forearms into the sink. He’s careful to not let it drip on the floor. _Mr Stark wouldn’t like seeing his clean floors stained with blood now would he?_

The voices come flooding back. _Don’t you want to hurt? Your thighs could give you the pain you deserve._ It was tempting. Really tempting. But Mr Stark would start to question why he was taking so long in the bathroom. He pockets the blade and decides he could continue at home later. He would convince Mr Stark he was fine and he didn't need someone to take care of him. He could take care of himself. He didn’t cut that deep so it wasn’t hard to stop the bleeding, what with his quick healing abilities. After washing the blood off, he pulls down his sleeves and makes sure he leaves the bathroom looking neat and tidy. 

“Oh, hey kiddo!” Steve says as he steps out of the bathroom. This shocks Peter. 

He flinches as Steve ruffles his hair fondly. “H-hi S-steve. You scared me.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were in there. We’re having late lunch right now. Come and eat with us.” He offers.

“No thanks, I’m not that hungry,” Peter tells him. _Late lunch? What was the time?_

“It’s currently half past two. Are you sure? Tony said you just woke up.” He answers him questionably.

 _Did I say that out loud?_ Too lost in his thoughts, Peter didn’t notice that he didn’t answer Steve. Friday’s voice brings him back. 

“Mr Stark is requesting Peter’s presence at lunch. He will not take no for an answer.”

“You heard her. Let’s go kid.” Steve says while putting his arm around Peter, dragging him to the dining room.

Peter pales at the sight. Everyone was there. Bruce, Tony, Pepper, Bucky, Nat, Clint, Wanda, Rhodey and Sam. Basically the whole gang. Steve nudges him towards the table. 

“Hey Pete! Come sit down with us and eat.” Clint says. 

Tony warned the entire team something was going on with Peter. They needed to keep an eye on him the entire weekend. They were all worried about him. 

During lunch, they all try to include Peter as much as they can but he isn't in the mood. He tries to play it off as he always had food in his mouth even though he barely eats during the entirety of the meal. 

"Peter, is something wrong? You're hardly eating." Natasha states in a questioning tone. 

"I'm full from the hot chocolate I had before." He says while shrugging. 

"You barely drank any of that." Tony states, staring at him.

"I'm just not that hungry? I'll eat more at dinner. I promise." Peter says quietly. Standing up, he takes his empty plate to the kitchen and washes it. _You need to get better at acting. Don't want to stress more people in your life right? Be a burden to not only Mr Stark but everyone else as well._ _The voices won't stop. But at times, they were right._ Peter thinks to himself. 

\---

Peter retreats back to his room after telling the others he wants to rest. He's actually trying to find a way out of the building without telling anyone. "Friday, open the windows without informing anyone."

"Mr Stark says I can't let you do that." She replies. 

"What exactly did he say?" He asks.

"He said not to let you out of the building when you wake up." She responds.

"That was hours ago. I woke up hours ago. So technically you can let me out of the building without breaking Mr Stark's orders." He smiles to himself. A loophole. 

"I'm sorry Peter. Rules are rules." 

Peter groans in frustration. He wasn't a baby! He didn't need someone to babysit him. He could take care of himself. 

He sneaks into the bathroom outside his room without anyone noticing. He then climbs through the vents and crawls his way to the elevator vents. He waits until the elevator is empty and quietly drops in. Reaching the lobby, he steps out and quickly walks towards the fire exit, praying nobody would notice him. Friday didn't control the fire exit as it was a manual push door. Pushing the doors open, he walks out into the cold outdoors. 

Shivering, he runs away from the tower to the bus stop. 

\---

"Mr Stark. It appears that Peter has left the building." Friday tells Tony. 

He almost spits out his drink. "What? Why didn't you stop him?" 

The other avengers are now listening intently. "It seems Peter used the fire exit which I do not have control over." 

"Damnit. Remind me to change that when we get back. Everyone, go find Peter. NOW." He commands. 

Everyone scrambles out of the building while Tony changes into his suit. This boy was going to be the death of him. Literally. May was going to kill him.


	4. I'm scared to live, but am I afraid to die?

Peter stays and sits at the bus stop for a while. Shivering in the cold, he thinks of where he should go. He didn’t want to go home yet so he decides to walk to the Manhattan Bridge. 

_Are you feeling cold? Is it painful?_ The voices ask.

He feels numb. He can’t feel anything. He feels empty. He’s tired. Of everything. He doesn’t want to live anymore. 

When he reaches the bridge, he sits there and looks down at the dark waters. He relaxes there for about two hours, thinking. He wants it to be quiet. Somewhere in those two hours, he’s thrown his phone away. He pulls down his sleeves and shoves his hands into his pockets, fingers brushing against the blade. 

_The blade doesn’t even hurt anymore. You could just end it all here. Just fall. You like falling don’t you?_

How easy is it to just … give up? He asks himself this. It would be so easy to just let go and fall. Everyone would be better off without him anyway. No more Peter, no more burden. No more late night extra shifts for May, no more annoying messages for Happy, no more annoying little him. 

He stands up and leans his body forwards. Closing his eyes, he lifts a foot up and steps off the bridge. 

\---

"Guys, I found him," Sam speaks into his earpiece after catching the young boy's body before it hit the cold waters. "At Manhattan Bridge, come quick."

The others arrived quickly, Tony and Bruce assessing the situation. They decide to bring him to the MedBay and continue monitoring him from there. 

"His brain knew he would die when the body was falling. It caused him to dissociate in the face of death. He'll be fine, we just need to let him rest." Bruce tells everyone. 

"He knew he was going to die. What happened back there Sam?" Tony questions angrily. 

"He stepped off the bridge Tony. He wanted to die." Sam gently tells him.

Tony goes quiet for a moment before speaking. "Does he self harm?"

"We aren't sure of that. His healing abilities don't leave scars behind." Bruce tells him.

Tony groans in frustration. "Goddamnit, we could have helped him. We can still help him!" 

"Tony, calm down." Steve says.

"Don't tell me to calm down! He almost killed himself today, he almost died!" Tony shouts. "I was supposed to be there for him. I am here for him but he told me he was fine. And I didn't listen to the obvious cry for help coming from him." 

"Like you said, we can still help him. We just have to be careful about how we approach things." Sam says. 

"Obviously we don't want to treat him like he's glass but I don't think we should go back to how we treated him before. I mean-" Clint mumbles.

"Why don't you just ask him?" Steve asks. 

Everyone turns to him. "You want to just ask him? Oh, hey Pete, could you tell me what urged you to try and kill yourself?" Tony retorts. 

"Maybe put a little more emotion into it." Steve sarcastically says back. 

Tony gives him a deadpan look.

"Guys, he's waking up." Natasha says, her voice hoarse from crying.

\---

Peter wakes to a blinding light. Again. He winces at how bright the room looked. "Friday, dim the lights to fifty percent." Tony says. 

Where is he? He struggles to sit up and grimaces when he feels a sharp pain in his arm. His eyes follow the tube from his arm to a machine and he realises he's in the MedBay. He suddenly remembers what happened and looks down. 

_You can't even kill yourself properly. God, you're useless. Do you deserve to be here? No. You deserve to suffer._

"How are you feeling kid?" Tony calmly asks.

Peter doesn't answer. He licks his lips and continues to look anywhere but in Tony's direction. 

"Okay then. There's a glass of water next to you and we'll send in food later. You can rest some more if you'd like." Tony quietly tells him. 

He doesn't answer again. Instead, he gives him a curt nod. 

"Right then. I'll be going now." Tony awkwardly says and walks out the door. 

"How did it go?" Steve asks as Tony closes the door. 

"He doesn't want to talk. He wouldn't talk to me. Not one word." He says as his eyes cast down. Natasha realises he's trying not to cry and pulls him in for a hug.

He buries his face into her shoulder and mumbles. "I just want to be there for him. He means so much to me."

"He means a lot to all of us Tony. We're going to help him. He's going to be okay." Natasha reassures him.

\---

Peter wants to get out. He didn't want to be here. He ripped out the iv drip from his arm and flinches at the pain for a second. He then climbs out the window which was left open to air the room. Blood drips from his arm as he climbs into the nearest window. He made sure that no one saw him leaving the room and takes the stairs to the roof. 

"Mr Stark, it seems that Peter has left the room." Friday informs them. 

"What? How did he get out?" He asks in a worried tone. 

"He used the window which I suggest should be closed and he is currently on the roof." She replies. 

They rush to the roof, Tony reaching first. Bursting through the doors, Tony sees Peter up on the ledge. "Peter, get down from there." He gently says. 

"Go away. I don't want you here." Peter says, voice rough due to the lack of use. 

"Kid, you know I'm not going to leave so get down," Tony says worriedly. "Please Peter." He pleads. 

He approaches Peter slowly, hand stretched out. "Let's talk this out." _Come on Peter. Come down._ Tony pleads in his mind. 

"No. Go away." Peter says in an emotionless tone. 

Not caring anymore, Tony grabs Peter's hand and pulls him down. Peter's legs give out and he collapses. He starts to sob and pounds his hand against Tony's chest. "I don't wanna be here. I want to go. Let me go!" He yells. 

"Kid, I've got you. You're alright." Tony says, desperately trying to calm him down. 

"I WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!" Peter screams while crying hysterically. 

Bruce starts to talk to Peter at a fast pace. _He's trying to match Peter's heart rate._ Tony thinks. 

Gradually, Bruce slows down his pace so Peter's breathing follows his pace. "Look over there. See Natasha? Focus on her. I know it's a bit difficult but focus on her."

Eventually Peter calms down and starts to match Bruce's breathing. "Okay? We are going to bring you back downstairs to the common room."

Peter nods numbly and Bruce leads him down the stairs to the lift, the others following closely behind.


	5. Smiles, knives and lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Peter's mind is in a dark place," Wanda quietly says. "He's hurting, both physically and mentally."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Some cut their wrists,_   
>  _and some cut their thighs._   
>  _Some cover it with sleeves_   
>  _and some cover it with smiles._   
>  _Some prefer razors,_   
>  _and others play with knives._   
>  _But in the end they're all living_   
>  _the pain through their lies._

They reach the common room and sit Peter down on the couch. “Could you make him a hot chocolate Bucky?” Bruce asks. 

Bucky nods and stalks off to the kitchen. Peter stares at the ground and says nothing. His hands are in his pockets and he seems to be playing with something. Natasha notices this and makes a mental note to check later. 

Bucky returns with a mug that has a picture of Cap’s shield. “Here you go Pete.” He says while giving the mug to the silent boy. Peter takes it and lifts his eyes to meet Bucky’s eyes, giving him a grateful look. Bucky smiles back at him and ruffles his hair gently. 

Peter stare at the swirls of milk in the hot chocolate and sighs before speaking. “I’m really sorry,” He whispers. “I’m sorry I’m so screwed up and I can’t keep you guys out of my problems.” He sets the mug onto the coffee table in front of him. He starts to blink rapidly and the team realises he’s trying not to cry. As he uses his sleeves and wipes at his eyes, Natasha hugs him. 

“You’re not screwed up Peter. We want to be in your life,” Steve tells him. Peter opens his mouth to answer but Steve cuts him off. “It’s our choice to be in your life. You hear me? We choose to be in your life.”

Tony walks out of the room soundlessly. Peter didn’t notice he was gone until now. _You’re so screwed up that Mr Stark doesn’t even want to talk to you. You’re so infuriating. Such a struggle._

Clint notices Peter staring in the direction that Tony went and tells him. “Tony just needs to cool down. You gave him quite a scare back there kid.”

Sam glares at him, giving him a look that says _Not a good choice of words dude._

_Gosh you screwed up so much, Mr Stark doesn’t want to associate himself with you. Should have kept him out of your screwed up problems. Should have kept all of them out of your messed up life and issues._

His head was pounding. The voices wouldn’t stop. “Go away.” He mumbles.

Natasha looks at him in confusion and shoots Steve a look. 

_Mistake. That’s what you are. A mistake._

Wanda, who has been silent the entire time, is looking at Peter with a pained expression. Her irises glowing a dark red as she does so. _She’s reading his mind._ Clint realises. 

“Peter, I think you should rest. Preferably in the MedBay.” Bruce tells him. Peter hesitates then slowly nods. 

They sedate him when they reach the MedBay. “Are you sure this won’t hurt him?” Steve asks. 

Bruce nods. “This is to ensure he doesn’t go berserk when he wakes up later. We can monitor him better.” 

Natasha walks over to Peter and puts her hand in his pocket. She fishes the razor blade out and Clint sucks in a breath.

“I think we should all discuss this upstairs.” Bucky says. 

Everyone but Bruce nods. They all take one last look at Peter and Bruce before walking out. 

\---

Tony is sitting on the couch when they reach the common room. "How is he doing?" He asks the others. 

"I found this in his pocket." Natasha quietly says, giving him the razor blade. 

Tony looks at the razor blade and quietly sets it on the coffee table. 

"Peter's mind is in a dark place," Wanda quietly says. "He's hurting, both physically and mentally."

"What did you see or hear?" Steve asks in a worried tone. 

"I hear voices in his head. Dark thoughts. They tell him he's worthless and that he's a burden to everyone." She says, voice low and her lips quivering.

"He needs help Tony. We can't throw him back into his old routine and hope for the best." Natasha says. 

"Don't you think I know that? I want to help him so badly. I don't want him to turn out like me." Tony says, his voice cracking. 

\---

Peter wakes up feeling groggy and disorientated. It takes him a moment to recognise his surroundings. He sits up, clutches his head and groans. Bruce walks into the room and approaches him.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, worry etched into his voice. 

Peter clears his throat before answering. "I'm fine." He responds.

"Textbook answer," Bruce tells him. "Were you fine when we found you on the bridge?"

Peter winces at his tone. 

"Were you fine when you had the blade in your pocket? Or were you fine because you had the blade with you?" Bruce asks nonchalantly.

"I-I didn't mean for you guys to find that." Peter stutters. His eyes meet Bruce's briefly before he looks down. 

"Pete, I'm going to tell you simply. You need help," Bruce tells him. "We will be assigning you a therapist." 

Peter's eyes look up angrily at Bruce. He scoffs in disbelief. "Do I even get a say in this?"

"This is not up for discussion. The others will be down here shortly to see how you're going. You can try arguing your case with them." Bruce curtly tells him. 

Peter's lips presses into a thin line and he folds his legs on the bed. Steve and Tony walk in first, followed by the others. Peter turns his head away from them. 

"You don't get to be angry." Tony tells him. 

"Maybe not, but I do get a choice." He snaps back. 

"Oh yes, jump off a bridge or try to get better? Which one Pete?" Tony sarcastically asks him. "Oh, already tried the first option. Why not take the second one?"

"Tried the first option and FAILED. What makes you think I won't fail the second option?" He bitterly asks back. 

Tony opens his mouth to answer but Steve beats him to it. "It's going to be okay Pete."

"Yeah, because it's not happening to you." He tells Steve harshly. 

Steve recoils at his answer. 

"Can I speak to Peter alone?" Tony asks in a tone that implied he wasn't really asking. 

Everyone evacuates the room, leaving the two alone.

"I hate who I am. I hate everything about me. Is that what you want to hear?" Peter harshly spits out. 

"Is it the truth? Cause that's what I want to hear." Tony calmly tells him.

"Yeah it is the truth. Right now? I don't remember what it's like to not feel broken." He says flatly. 

"Do you think you're weak Peter? Do you think you're screwed up because of your problems?" Tony asks.

"Yes." He replies and Tony's heart breaks a little from that response. 

He sadly smiles at him before asking, "Do you think Spider-Man is so much better than Peter Parker?"

"What kind of question is that?" He snarls before realising how he sounded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Who's your idol kiddo?" Tony asks him kindly.

"You." He mumbles. Tony grins at his reply.

"I understand how you feel Peter. Do you know I get panic attacks kid?" Tony asks him.

"No I didn't." He slowly meets his mentor's eyes. 

"I have issues of my own kid. Do you think I'm weak?" Tony asks the silent boy in front of him.

Peter doesn't answer him. 

Tony takes Peter's hand in his. "Kid, having a mental illness does not make you weak or worthless. It screws your head up a bit but we just have to keep fighting." He tells Peter.

"What if I'm tired of fighting?" Peter quietly asks. 

"Fight for me kid. Because I'm fighting for you." Tony replies.


	6. There are voices in my head, saying I'm better off dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter meets a therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H.O.P.E
> 
> Hold On, Pain Ends

Peter stares at the clock in front of him, wishing the weekend could be over. He’s going to meet a therapist tomorrow and he really doesn’t want to. It’s almost time for dinner and he’s not looking forward to it. They’re having Shepherd’s pie and Bucky’s cooking. 

“Dinner is ready Peter. Everyone is waiting for you.” Friday tells him. 

“Oh, thanks Friday.” He replies. 

He reluctantly drags himself down for dinner. Standing at the entry of the dining room, he takes a deep breath in and he exhales. He fakes q smile and walks in. 

“Peter, come sit next to me!” Clint says cheerfully. 

Peter sits down next to Clint, who puts a plate in front of him. He feels guilty for not wanting to eat the food. 

_You should be grateful for what you get, you selfish brat. So many people do so many things for you and all you do is sit there and be useless. You’re nothing. What’s the point of you even being here if don’t do anything useful?_

He stares at the plate for a while before realising everyone was looking at him. Blushing, he clears his throat and gestures for everyone to start eating. Some smile at him before eating and it was as if nothing bad had ever happened. He feels normal in that moment. He didn't feel broken. Maybe there was a chance he could be better. Maybe he would fight for a bit more. Just maybe.

After dinner, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and tries to throw up his food. After a few minutes of shoving his fingers into his mouth and down his throat, he succeeds. Then he walks back to the common room as if nothing happened. 

\---

The next morning, Peter wakes up feeling ... numb. He's meeting the therapist today and he thinks he's scared. He's not sure. He'd like to think he's scared but his body isn't exactly feeling that way. He goes down for breakfast and fakes his morning cheerfulness. "Good morning Bucky!" 

Bucky seems shocked at the noise and whirls around with widened eyes. He quickly realises it's Peter and his face relaxes into a grin. "Morning, Pete. You feeling better today?" He asks.

Peter nods and smiles. It doesn't reach his eyes and Bucky seems to notice this. He turns back around and doesn't say anything else. Peter eats cereal for breakfast and he pretends to enjoy it for everyone's sake. 

_You don't deserve this food. You're so ungrateful and inconsiderate._ He nods his head absentmindedly and he thinks to himself. It was true. Here he was, given the best life he could ask for and he's being miserable. He's acting miserable and it's unfair to everyone around him. As the days go by, the harder it was for him to pretend and put on a smile every single day. It's exhausting. 

\--- 

Tony brought Peter to meet the therapist that afternoon. "This is Dr. Leah Aston. Dr. Aston, meet Peter." He introduces them. 

_Yeah, this is Peter, the broken boy Tony has told you all about._ The voices were mocking him. He clenches his hands and digs his fingernails into his palms. He looks down at his feet and replies when Tony nudges him. 

"It's nice to meet you Peter. Let's go inside to my office." She gestures towards a room and Peter reluctantly walks in. She follows him and asks him to take a seat. His eyes meet hers with a bored expression and she smiles. He eyes her up and down, feeling jealous of her. The way she's so confident in herself, the way she's so calm and collected. He wishes he could be like that sometimes. If only the voices could be quiet. Maybe then he could be okay. 

"What's going on in that head of yours Peter?" Her voice snaps him out of his thoughts. "I understand if you're uncomfortable. It is your first session but I can assure you everything and anything you say is confidential. So, can you tell me what's bothering you?"

He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. She smiles kindly at him. "Voicing your thoughts can be hard. Especially since this whole therapy session idea wasn't yours am I right?" She asks. 

He quietly nods. "I don't want therapy. It's the only thing that guarantees that I'm broken. To the point that I need help. Specialised help." He says. 

"As cliché as it sounds, you are not broken Peter. So, let me ask you this. What are you thinking about?" She asks as he ponders. 

"I ... There are voices in my head. They tell me I'm better off dead. Because I'm broken. Because I'm selfish and ungrateful. I act so miserable around people who care so much about me and I just ..." He trails off. 

_I want it to be quiet._

She takes notes and asks another question. "What do you want?"

"I want to feel. Right now, I feel nothing. Numb, emptiness," He quietly tells her. "In my head, so many thoughts swarm my mind and it hurts. Then they tell me that I deserve to hurt." He looks at the ceiling and goes quiet as she takes more notes. 

"A few weeks ago, I asked myself what did I deserve? They told me I don't deserve to live but I don't deserve to die. So they told me that I deserved to suffer." He says nonchalantly. "A few weeks ago, I was afraid to live but I was afraid to die. Yesterday, I decided that I wasn't afraid to die anymore."

"What changed?" She asks.

"I didn't want to do it anymore." He tells her. "I couldn't do it anymore. It was exhausting. I was exhausted. I'm exhausted." 

\---

"How do you think he's doing?" Tony asks nervously. 

"I think he's doing great." Steve tells him unconvincingly with an overly enthusiastic smile on his face. As he gives him an awkward thumbs up, Tony sighs.

"I'm sure he's ... cooperating." Bruce struggles to find the right words.

"Let's not worry so much. Peter will be fine. Who's up for some Mario Kart?" Clint asks, trying to cut the tension.

"I could use the distraction." Sam says. 

"If Bucky plays, I play" Natasha says, giving him a raised eyebrow. 

"Count me in." Bucky says, narrowing his eyes at her.

She grins and passes him a controller. 

"You're going to lose Widow." Bucky sings as he picks a character.

"We'll see about that." She says cockily and picks her character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually know how a therapy session goes. I've never had one but I tried my best :) Feedback is appreciated!!


	7. Storms don't last forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter plays Jenga with Dr Aston.

“Peter, I know you might it as no one cares about you but that’s not true. Tony, Bruce, the whole team cares about you and trust me, loving someone and taking care of them because you want to is a choice. If I choose to care about you, then how are you being a burden? I chose it.” She tells him. 

He thought back to what Steve had told him the day before. _“It’s our choice to be in your life. You hear me? We choose to be in your life.”_ He feels guilty for snapping at Steve now.

“It’s okay to feel the way you do. You don’t need to feel guilty about it.” She tells him with a soft voice. “Let’s play a game.”

Peter nods as she stands up. She walks to her desk and pulls out the game ‘Jenga’. “Do you know how to play this?” She asks.

He nods again. As she sets it up she tells him, “Each block has a question for us to answer. You can start first.”

He picks out a block and reads the question out loud, “ **Which family member do you think you resemble the most?** ” 

He leans back into his seat, “I’d like to think I resemble Mr Stark the most.”

“It sounds like there is a but.” She questioningly says. 

“But the voices tell me I could never be as awesome as him.” He says while placing the block on the top of the tower. 

She smiles and picks out a block. “ **If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?** ” She thinks about it and answers, “I would want to go to London. I’m a big fan of musicals and it has always been my dream to go the West End Theatre.” 

Peter smiles at her answer. “It’s cool that you know where you want to go. I don’t know where I would want to go.” 

She writes this down and says, “Let’s make that a goal. By the end of the semester, find a place you’d be really interested in going to visit.” She then places her block on the top. 

Peter nods and picks out another block. “ **If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?** ”  
He stares at it for a while in silence and Dr Aston doesn’t say anything. 

He opens his mouth to answer then shuts it. He thinks for a while more before deciding on answering, “I-I don’t know.” He puts the block down and looks away. 

She writes this down and replies with one word. “Understandable.” Picking up another block, she reads, “ **How would your friends describe you in three words?** ” 

“I think they would say that I’m fun, caring, and compassionate. I’d like to think that anyway.” She chuckles while telling Peter. 

He gives her a small smile. This wasn’t so bad. 

“Okay, last one,” She tells him while putting her block on the top. “Choose wisely.” 

He picks one from the bottom of the tower and reads, “ **What does a perfect day look like to you?** ” 

He thinks about this for a while. “In the morning, I would be cooking breakfast with Bucky for everyone, I’d be working in the lab with Mr Stark for a bit. Maybe with Bruce as well. Play Mario Kart with Clint and Sam? Relax and talk about stuff with Aunt Nat and Wanda. Erm, train with Steve for a bit. Then have dinner with everyone and maybe a movie night?” He tells her. 

“Nothing too extravagant. What’s stopping you from doing these things?” She asks him as she takes notes. 

“Me.” He says sullenly. “I’m being miserable and I mean I don’t want to be but I-I don’t know. I just can’t help it sometimes. The voices just get to me and I just can’t stop thinking of how miserable I am even though I’m not really. I-I don’t know how to explain it.” He rambles. 

Dr Aston smiles. “You explained it perfectly. These voices, who do you see when they talk to you?” She asks him.

Peter’s eyebrows furrow at the question. “What do you mean?” 

“Try to picture them when they speak. Who or what do you see?” She clarifies. 

He tries to picture them and tells her, “I don’t really see them but I think they are like black wisps just floating around in my mind. Each one saying different things but they repeat themselves over and over again. I don’t think that makes sense I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry Peter. Everyone’s thoughts are different. I understand what you’re trying to tell me.” She says as she writes.

He nods. “Our session for today has ended. What did you think about it?” She asks him.

“It … wasn’t as bad as I anticipated it to be.” He tells her truthfully. 

“Ask yourself this, how do you feel?” She asks with a raised eyebrow. 

He feels … proud of himself but he doesn’t tell her this. Instead, he shyly nods and looks down. 

“I look forward to our next session. Will Tony be picking you up?” She asks.

Before he can answer, Steve answers from behind him. “I’m here for Peter. Thank you for taking care of him.”

Dr Aston looks at Peter, her eyes asking if Steve was one of his guardians. He nods and she looks back up and smiles. “Of course. I hope to see Peter back here same time same day next week.”

Steve nods and Dr Aston turns and walks away. 

Turning to Peter, Steve asks, “How was it kid?” 

He shrugs, “It was surprisingly okay,” Then he bashfully looks as Steve and says, “I’m sorry for before. For snapping at you.” 

“It’s alright kid,” Steve replies. He puts a hand on Peter’s shoulder leading him outside. “Let’s go home.”

\---

Nat and Bucky were currently tying for first place, Clint in second and Sam in fourth. “Hey Pete’s back!” Clint says distracting both Nat and Bucky for a split second.

“Hey Peter!” They both chorus and go back to trying to win. 

“Yes!” Natasha drops the controller on to the couch and pump her fists. She beat Bucky by a split second. “In your face, Barnes.”

Bucky starts to sulk and Peter laughs. He doesn’t notice it but this is the first time in two weeks since he’s sounded genuinely happy. Tony smiles to himself. Peter was going to be alright. He would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I just want to sit on a rooftop at 3am and talk about stuff with someone. 
> 
> \- Updates might not be regular as I have exams coming up and I'm kinda not in a good place rn but writing does make me feel a lot better.


	8. Faking a smile is so much easier than explaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul."
> 
> \- Charlie Chaplin

Peter wants to see Dr Aston the next day. He’s feeling numb again and he blurts it to the first person he sees before he can regret it. Unfortunately and fortunately, it's Tony.

“Do you want to see Dr Aston today?” Tony asks.

Peter nods and Tony pulls out his phone to call her. He fidgets as Tony speaks on the phone. 

“Thank you, Peter will be there at two. See you there.” Tony hangs up and gives him a thumbs up. Peter lets out a sigh of relief and Tony hugs him. “I’m proud of you kid. Really proud. I hope you know that.” He tries to pull away but Peter buries his face into his chest and mumbles something. “I can’t hear you kiddo.” He chuckles.

Peter pulls away and says, “Thank you. For everything.” Tony smiles and ruffles his hair affectionately.

\---

Peter likes to dance. It was the only other way of how he could express himself when words couldn’t help him to. But he suddenly lost interest in activities one day. He forgot he liked anything for a while. So when Dr Aston brings him to a big empty room and tells him to start dancing, he tries to but his feet don't move. 

“I can’t do it.” He tells her as he stares at the floor in front of him. He feels helpless. 

It doesn’t help when the voices come creeping back in. _Useless. Wait, how do you expect to get back a skill you never had in the first place?_

Another voice sneers at him. _Do you honestly think this is going to help you? You’re hopeless._

He starts to dig his fingernails into his hand his hands tightly. He's about to snap but Dr Aston places her hand on his shoulder. This brings him back but he doesn't look up at her. Instead, he starts to grit his teeth. Dr Aston picks up his phone and hands it to him. "Choose a song."

He finally looks up and gives her an emotionless look. She doesn't say anything else and gestures towards the phone. He snatches it from her and picks a random song. As the song starts to play, Dr Aston walks towards the door. "Wait, where are you going?" He asks confused. 

"Peter, if I stay here you're just going to feel awkward. I want you to dance by yourself and let out some of those pent up emotions." She explains. "Trust me, this will help. I'll be back in an hour." She closes the door behind her and Peter sighs.

He walks around awkwardly and runs his fingers through his hair. He starts by doing stretches. Then he closes his eyes, and lets his body follow the music. As he dances, he listens to the music and blocks out the voices. He wasn't going to let them ruin this for him again. He had forgotten how he used to feel when he danced. It's one of his favourite feelings in the world. It's amazing and he feels free. Like nothing could ever bring him down.

He faces the mirror and looks at himself. He looks different to how he looked a week ago. He looks ... better? 

_That's what you'd like to think. But deep down, you know you're just miserable, ugly and worthless. _The voices come flooding back and Peter hates them.__

____

Suddenly the door opens and Dr Aston comes back. Peter realises he lost track of time. "How are you feeling?" She asks. 

"Better. Thank you." He quietly says.

"You're welcome Peter. I'm here to help you. Don't hesitate to talk to me about anything okay?" She kindly asks.

He nods in appreciation and softly smiles. He stands up and they walk out of the room. Bucky comes to pick him up and Peter waves to Dr Aston. 

"Hey kiddo. How was it?" Bucky asks. 

"It was good. I feel better I guess." He says while shrugging.

Bucky ruffles his hair and gives him a smile. "Thank you." He tells him. 

"What for?" Peter asks, confused.

"For continuing to fight. I'm so proud of you kiddo. You never fail to amaze me and that makes us all so damn proud." Bucky tells him. 

Peter gives him a small smile before casting his eyes down to the ground. "You shouldn't be proud of me." He mumbles.

Bucky grips his shoulders gently before telling him, "That's what you think. I have my own opinions and every single person on the team has their own opinions so don't go telling me what I should be Pete. I'm proud of you and that's that." 

They ride on Bucky's motorcycle back to the tower where Steve is waiting for them. He brings them both up to the common room where they're all having lunch.

"I'm tired. I'm just going to go to my room and rest for a bit." Peter tells them. The truth being he didn't want to eat. Steve nods his head but shoots a look at Bucky when Peter turns to walk away. 

"Hey Pete, I'll walk with you." Bucky tells him.

As they walk down the hallway, Bucky quietly asks, "You okay kiddo?"

Peter nods and quietly answers, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Just making sure. I'll see you later okay? Go rest." Bucky tells him with a smile. As Peter closes the door, Bucky lets out a sigh and runs his fingers through his hair. He noticed Peter's eating patterns but he didn't know how to approach the team or Peter about it. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He decides to tell Tony and Bruce tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter sorry. I'm really busy rn but I'll try my best to update soon!


	9. Everything inside me is dark and twisted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is confronted about his eating patterns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”   
> - Simone de Beauvoir

Peter sighs in relief as the door closes. He was lucky that Bucky didn’t question him anymore than he did. He didn’t have many answers. 

His fingers itch to grab a blade or anything sharp and find release. He wanted to claw off his skin. He felt so uncomfortable in it, he felt … disgusting. 

_You're so fat and worthless. Do you honestly think anyone would ever love you? You're crazy if you think anyone would ever love you for you._ The voices snarl at him and he grits his teeth. 

He slides down the door and curls his knees into his chest. "You're not going to relapse. You're not going to relapse." Rocking back and forth, he mutters this to himself. Then, clenching his fists he stands up and quickly makes his way to the gym. 

He reaches the gym and picks up boxing gloves. He then starts to punch the punching bag hard. After ten minutes, sweat starts to drip down his face and he continues. Suddenly, a surge of energy courses through him and he starts to punch viciously. He kicks the bag and it breaks off the chain. He catches his breath and wipes off the sweat on his forehead. He senses someone behind him and turns around ready to attack. 

Steve holds his hands up in surrender for a second before handing Peter a towel. Peter nods in appreciation and sits on the floor. Steve quietly sits next to him and casts him a side glance. 

"What do you want?" Peter asks emotionlessly. 

Steve gives him a confused look. "You're obviously either here to do something in the gym or you want something from me. Which one is it?" Peter clarifies. 

Steve clears his throat before answering. "Tony and Bruce want to see you," He tells Peter before patting him on the back. "They don't seem too pleased Pete." 

Peter nods and sighs. He stands up and turns to walk out before stopping to ask, "You can fix the bag right? I didn't mean to break it." He says sheepishly. 

Steve nods and gently smiles. "Don't worry about it kid. I've done it plenty." He waves him off and Peter walks to the lift. 

"Friday, where are Bruce and Tony?" He asks.

"Boss and Dr Banner are in the common room waiting for you. They don't look very pleased Peter." She tells him. 

"That's what I was told too." He says as he shakes his head. The lift dings and he walks out to see Natasha on the couch looking over at him with worry. He waves to her and walks over to Tony. 

"You wanted to see me?" He asks.

"Peter, we've heard-" Bruce starts. 

"Do you have an eating disorder?" Tony asks him with a deadpan expression. Bruce nudges him and shoots him a look. Peter suddenly notices Bucky sitting on the couch and thinks about their conversation before. Tony snaps his fingers in front of his face. "Answer the question Peter." 

Peter whips his head back to Tony and stares straight into his eyes. "No, I don't." He says as he returns the deadpan look. 

"Now that's bullshit according to your eating patterns and your vitals." Tony tells him. 

Peter scoffs and answers back, "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine, can I go now?" 

"No you can't because Bruce and I are going to run some tests on you." Tony strictly tells him.

"It was a rhetorical question. I'm going to shower now if you don't mind." He rudely says. 

"If you're fine, you'll eat everything that's on your plate at dinner." Tony tells him. 

"I will." Peter says back challengingly. 

"Everything that we put on your plate." Tony tells him, emphasising the 'we'. 

"No thanks." Peter says and turns to walk away. 

"That's an order." Tony tells him calmly. 

Peter clenches his fists and grits his teeth. He walks to his room and slams the door. 

"Well that went well didn't it Tony?" Natasha sarcastically asks. 

"Can it Nat. We'll deal with him." Tony tells her.

\---

As Peter showers, he feels like clawing off his skin. He grabs the loofa and starts to scrub his arms. He's not bleeding but it hurts in a good way. He finishes showering and gets dressed before walking to the common room and plopping himself onto the couch.

He feels the couch sink lower as someone sits next to him. "You feeling better after that punching session buddy?" Bucky asks. 

"What did you tell Tony?" Peter accusingly asks him. 

"Look Pete, I'm only doing this for your wellbeing and-" Bucky tells him.

"I'm fine! I'm healthy and I'm doing better now!" Peter cuts in and argues back. 

"If nothing is wrong and you're fine then you'll be okay with eating everything that's on your plate." Bucky tells him calmly. 

"I'm not that hungry." He tells Bucky.

"What have you eaten today?" Bucky asks.

"Why does it matter what I've eaten?" He tries to argue. Bucky gives him a serious look and he sighs. "An apple and a granola bar."

"It's almost seven thirty and that's all you've eaten today? Geez Pete, how are you not starving? With your high metabolism rate, you should be starving right now." Bucky lightly scold him. 

Half of him feels really hungry but the other half is telling him he can afford to lose the weight. "I'll be fine. Besides, you guys are forcing me to eat a lot tonight." He mumbles. 

Bucky sighs loudly. "We're just worried about you Pete."

"Yeah? Well you don't need to. I'm fine. No, I'm great!" He raises his voice as he stands up. "I'm not hungry so see ya." He turns around to see Bruce standing in front of him. Bruce raises an eyebrow at him. 

"Tony's on his way down. Don't you think you should stay for dinner Pete?" Bruce asks questionably.

Peter sighs in frustration and storms past him. The lift doors open as he walks past. "Stop right there young man." Tony's voice echoes throughout the room and Peter stops walking. He rolls his eyes and turns to face Tony. "Where do you think you're going?" 

"To my room." He answers back. 

"I don't think so." Tony tells him. 

"That's what you think but that's not what I am going to do. So I'll be in my room if you need me." He rudely tells them. Tony puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "When am I going home? I thought I was only staying here for the weekend."

"May and I thought it would be best if you stayed here for the holidays. She's too busy to take care of you and she feels bad that she can't be there to take care of you." Tony tells him. 

"W-why didn't she tell me this?" Peter asks. He feels betrayed and upset. She should have told him and besides, he could take care of himself. 

_She's too busy for you. You're not important enough. Typical. She feels bad? I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with you._ A voice snarls at him. 

_Needy little thing aren't you?_ Another sneers at him. 

Tony's voice chases the voices away. "We only just discussed this today. We can talk about this later. Can we eat dinner now?" 

Peter shakes his head. "No thanks. I'm not hungry." 

Tony gives him a look and sits him at the dining table. "We're having cauliflower fried rice tonight. Steve cooked it for us." 

"Thanks Steve." Peter says and he suddenly feels really guilty again. This wasn't the first time he felt bad for not wanting to eat the specially cooked food. This also wasn't the first time he didn't want to eat the specially cooked food. 

He picks up his spoon and slowly eats the meal in front of him. He's aware of the eyes on him as he eats and he snaps. "Do I look like a tv to you? Because you're eyes seem to be glued to me."

Steve and Wanda blush before resuming, Bucky and Nat awkwardly look at each other and Bruce and Tony abruptly look away. Clint chuckles and ruffles Peter's hair. "Sorry kid. We'll eat now." He tells Peter. 

Peter nods and continues to eat. He's careful not to scarf down the food but he's really hungry. He ends up finishing his bowl fast and even asks for seconds before he can stop himself. He's too hungry to notice the team were smiling to themselves. After dinner, he stands up to go to the bathroom. When he reaches the bathroom, the door is locked. He knows no one is in there and narrows his eyes. 

"Friday, why is the door locked?" He asks cautiously. 

"Boss says you're not allowed in there right after eating." She tells him. 

He slams his hand on the door. "Then when am I allowed in there? What if I need to go?" 

"I'm sorry Peter but Boss doesn't allow you to." 

He groans, irritated and senses someone behind him. He rolls his eyes and turns to see Bucky. He's leaning against the wall with folded arms, staring right at Peter. Peter stares right back at him. 

"Whatcha doing?" Bucky asks, finally breaking the silence. 

"What do you think I'm doing?" Peter asks back.


	10. Is this the end to my story?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter questions if he can continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken.  
> ― Vera Nazarian

“I think I asked the question first.” Bucky says. 

“I’m just going to the toilet. Is there a problem with that?” Peter says annoyed. 

"Depends on what you're doing in there." Bucky says with narrowed eyes. 

"I think that's my business." He says back rudely. 

"Peter," Bucky starts.

"Just leave me alone!" Peter yells before storming away. 

"Peter! Come back here!" Bucky says as he quickly chases after him. 

"What is going on?" Bruce asks as he stops Peter. 

"Nothing. I'm just going to go to bed." Peter says as he tries to walk away. 

"Don't let him leave," Bucky says. "He has something to tell us."

"No, I don't." Peter argues while continuously trying to leave.

Clint and Sam step in to block him from leaving.

Peter rolls his eyes. "Seriously, there's nothing wrong! I don't know why you're making it such a big deal. I just wanted to go to the toilet, Mr Stark won't let me and now I'm going to my room to rest. What's so wrong about that?" He exasperatedly says. 

"Yeah, what's so bad about that Buck?" Steve questions. 

Clint and Sam look to Bruce for an explanation. Bruce sighs. "We think that Peter might be throwing up his food after he eats."

"I'm not. Also, you can't prove that I'm doing that." Peter argues. 

"Peter, you're always going to the bathroom after you eat, on days you refuse to eat, and you get tired really easily nowadays. You might have an eating disorder." Bruce concludes. 

"I-I don't know what you're talking about." Peter says weakly. "Come on guys. I just want to go to my room and rest."

Steve gives him a sympathetic look and Peter hates it. 

_Look at that. They're pitying you now. It's throw Peter a pity party day is it? You're just thriving aren't you? Screwing up more and more every single day._ The voices start to hurl insults at him and Peter feels him getting angrier at himself. 

"I don't need this," He says as he storms past the team with crossed arms. "I'll be in my room." He growls as he stalks away.

\---

Peter slams the door and plops onto his bed. He plugs in his earphones and blasts the music into his ears. He wanted the voices to go away. No, he **needed** the voices to go away. He stares at the ceiling and forces himself to concentrate on the song. He's trying to resist the urge to punch something. He wants to hurt. He really wants to feel pain right now. 

He thinks back to when he started to hurt himself. It started with clenching his fists so hard that his fingernails would meet his palm and they would leave marks. But that wasn't enough for him. He then settled on cutting. He figured it was the only way to feel pain without drawing attention. The wounds never stayed anyway. They healed so fast it was almost as if they were never there. 

He's so caught up in his thoughts and his music that he doesn't hear the knock on the door and Steve seems to know this so he walks in anyway. 

He closes the door behind him and walks over to the bed. He sits next to Peter, who now has his back towards him. He gently pulls the earphones out of Peter's ears. 

"We're having a movie night tonight," He tells Peter. "We want you to join us.

"You sure it's not another interrogation session?" Peter asks nastily. "Are we all going to sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" He sarcastically asks. 

Steve shakes his head and chuckles. "Glad to see you can still joke. You coming or not?" He asks. 

"I still have to go even if I say no right?" Peter asks and sighs. 

"No. If you don't want to, I'll leave." He tells Peter. 

"I don't want to go." Peter says, testing him. 

Steve nods and walks out quietly. Peter looks at the door and sighs. 

_Do you even want to get better?_ He asks himself. 

He was trying. He **is** trying. He's trying so hard to fight every single day. He thinks back to a conversation he had with Dr Aston. 

\---

_"It's alright to feel frustrated Peter. It takes a lot of time and effort." She tells him calmly._

_"Maybe that's why I don't want to do it." Peter tells her._

_"Then that's your decision. I'm here to guide you but I can't make you do something if you don't want to do it." She says unfazed._

_He doesn't say anything and stares out the window._

\---

He stands up and walks out to the common room. He reaches the couch and sits down in between Tony and Nat. They look at him in shock and look to Steve with a quizzical look. Steve shrugs and smiles.

"Thought you didn't want to come kiddo." Tony says to Peter. 

"Changed my mind." He says and hums as Nat combs his hair with her fingers. 

Tony nods with a smile and starts the movie when everyone returns with the snacks.

They glance at Peter and quickly look back to the tv in case he catches them. Bucky passes a packet of chips to Peter and he takes them cautiously. He stares at the packet and narrows his eyes before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He rips the packet open and starts to eat the chips. 

_As if you're not fat already, you really want to make it worse?_ A voice barks at him. 

Wanda reads his mind and whispers this to Steve. 

"Hey Pete, Buck and I are training tomorrow in the morning. Wanna come?" He asks.

Peter nods and smiles in appreciation. They continue to watch the movie, Tony makes a joke and everyone laughs. He's glad he came out to watch the movie. He realises that he wants to keep spending time with his sort of family. He doesn't want any of this to end but he doesn't know if he can continue to live with being a constant screw up.


	11. It’s never too late to start over.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter cries for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Getting knocked down in life is a given. Getting up and moving forward is a **choice.**  
>  \- Zig Ziglar

Peter wakes up to a voice softly calling him. 

"Pete, it's Steve. We're going to exercise in half an hour. Get ready bud." The voice tells him. He groans but nods.

He gets up and walks to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth and washes his face, looking at his reflection. For the first time in a long time, he doesn't recognise the face staring back. He had gotten so used to the pale and sickly face he always saw, the sunken cheekbones and dark eye-bags that underlined his emotionless eyes that he had thought it was normal. A few weeks ago, he had thought that it was impossible to escape his mind and thoughts. He wanted to die. He had chosen to fall. 

But they caught him. The people who truly cared for him. For weeks, he refused to believe anyone could ever love **him.** He still believes it. That he was worthless but after last night, he realised however worthless he thought he was, he didn't want to die anymore. He didn't want his life to end. 

He gets dressed and walks out to meet Steve and Bucky. He says good morning and they go on their morning jog around the block. They talk to him but he's mostly caught up in his own thoughts during the jog. He couldn't stop thinking about how so much had changed in the few weeks that had passed. He didn't want this life to end. However bad it got, there was always a silver lining. Last night was a reminder of that. These people would love him for however much of a screw up he could be. They cared. 

That's what he realises during the peaceful morning jog. 

\---

The hot water hits his back and he sighs. That morning jog was exactly what he needed to clear some thoughts. After he washes himself, he gets out and dries himself. His finger starts to draw on the steam that has collected on the mirror. He wipes it off and gets dressed. Stepping out of the bathroom, he yelps and stumbles back. Tony is standing there with an amused look on his face. 

"Sorry kiddo. I was just about to knock and you came out." Tony says as he chuckles. 

"It's okay Mr Stark. Sorry." He replies. 

"What are you sorry for?" Tony asks with a smirk.

"Oh erm, force of habit. Sorry." Peter says before he could stop himself. 

Tony raises his eyebrow in amusement. "Brunch is on the table if you're really hungry but if you can wait then maybe we can eat together?" He says in a questioning tone. 

Peter nods. "I'll wait."

He makes his way to the dining table and sets it up. After doing so, he decides to wait in the common room and walks in to see Natasha and Clint. 

"Hey Pete. How are you?" Clint asks with a cheerful smile. 

Peter shrugs. "Fine." 

Natasha pats the seat next to her on the couch, asking him to sit. He does and they all talk for about fifteen minutes before the rest of the team come in with brunch. 

"Are we not eating in the dining room?" Peter asks, confused. 

"Nah, we can eat in here. I mean, you guys are already in here anyway." Tony says with a shrug. 

They all nod and take their plates. They're having the breakfast sliders that Steve and Bucky bought after their jog. They're eating their brunch and Peter's throat suddenly chokes up. Bucky looks over in concern and Peter sets his plate down. He scrunches his knees to his chest and starts to cry. He hiccups in between his breaths and Nat runs her fingers through his hair soothingly.

"Kid, what's wrong?" Tony asks worriedly. 

"Nothing." He whispers. 

"Then why are you crying?" Tony asks, now confused. 

"I'm sad, Mr Stark," Peter tells him. "I'm really sad." He starts to sob and buries his head in between his arms. 

"I'm sorry kid." Tony tells him calmly. 

"No, I'm sad Mr Stark," He tells Tony a little more calmly now. "I'm feeling something." He whispers to himself but Tony catches it. 

For weeks, Peter couldn't feel anything. He always felt empty. Always felt numb. But now he's feeling incredibly sad. It was progress. 

"That's great Pete. I'm proud of you." Tony says with a soft smile. The team give him a confused and he mouths _I'll tell you later._ They nod and continue to eat silently. 

Peter's learned something today. He realises he **can** do it. He **is** capable of feeling. He **is** capable of getting better. He smiles and feels himself swell with pride. He feels a hand on his cheek and realises it's Natasha wiping away his tears. 

It took her a while to understand the situation but she got it. She's silent and gives him a soft smile as she pulls him in for a hug. She kisses his forehead and he starts to cry again. His tears soak her shirt but she doesn't mind. All she cares about right now is the sobbing boy in her arms. She knew she would do anything for him and she knew the team would do anything for him as well. 

_Don't worry kid. We're here for you._ She thinks to herself. _We've got you._

\---

Hours past as Peter lies in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Peter thought he would be more embarrassed but he wasn't. He wonders what the team thinks of him now. Couldn't be any worse right? In the past few weeks, he had managed to become a broken, worthless screw up. What would they think of him now? 

_Weakling?_ A voice suggested. _A mistake? A troublesome little mistake._ The voice concludes. 

He sighs and closes his eyes. He flinches when he hears a knock on the door. "It's open." He calls out. 

Bucky walks in and smiles. "You busy?" He asks.

Peter shakes his head. Bucky walks over to the bed and sits down. Peter sits up and crosses his legs, waiting for Bucky to say something. Instead, Bucky stays silent and hugs him. It takes Peter a while to finally realise this and he hugs Bucky back. 

"I just wanted to say how damn proud of you I am. I know how you feel at times Peter, I've been there trust me. But I had Steve through it all. And eventually the whole team. I know you feel like a burden. Like you don't deserve anything you're getting because you feel the way you do. But it's really not true Pete," Bucky tells him. He holds the young boy's hands firmly. "You deserve everything that you've gotten. You fight hard for everything and you give it your all. That's why we're all proud of you Peter."

Peter nods with his head down. He meets Bucky's eyes and it's taking everything for him not to cry. Bucky sees this and softly smiles.

"Dinner will be ready soon. You should be hungry since you didn't have much lunch." Bucky says. 

"Y-yeah. I'll come out for dinner soon." He says with a weak smile. Bucky nods and leaves. 

Peter didn't want to eat. He feels bloated and fat but Tony and Bruce would kill him if he didn't eat. He wonders if the bathroom will be unlocked today.

 _We're trying to get better._ He scolds himself. He's trying hard not to give in anymore. He takes a deep breath and walks out to the dining room. 

Everyone is already there and it seems as if they're waiting for him. He walks over to the table and sits down. It's a normal dinner and Peter eats an average amount. He's itching to go to the bathroom but stays in his seat anyway. 

_You don't need to do that. Stay here with your family._ He tells himself. He forces himself to listen to a story that Sam's telling and soon finds himself joking around and forgetting about the disgusting feeling in his body. He fidgets a little but smiles. He can do it.


	12. I am in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “They say what doesn't kill u makes u stronger.. but truth is sometimes it does kill u, it kills a part of u then it makes u stronger.”   
> \- Tilicia Haridat

It’s funny how emotions can change so easily. One day, Peter feels like he’s fine. On other days, he feels like he’s drowning. Some days, he **wants** to drown. But its okay to feel that way. That’s what he’s learned. 

He stares out the window as the calming piano tunes fill his ears and the rain softly pitter patters outside. Dr Aston had asked him to try listening to calming music if he ever felt like he was losing control. It helps him grasp the reality of the situation he's in and it clears his mind. He smiles to himself. Sometimes, that was all he needed. Sometimes, he just wanted it be quiet. Maybe even peaceful in his mind. 

It's hard to come by days where he really feels safe from his the voices in his mind. But he feels as if he's getting better over time. Little by little. It's a different feeling to what he's felt in the past weeks. He feels ... acceptance? It's something he's never really felt before.

Once upon a time, he felt like he was trapped in an hourglass. His time slowly running out as he withers away. His tears, the ones that no one hears or sees, felt like the sands of time trickling down his face. Drowning in his tears and his own selfishly created sorrow, he felt ... _trapped._

His heart clenches at the thought and he shakes his head. _I'm not trapped anymore. I'm free, because of those who believe in me._ He thinks to himself. 

At his darkest and lowest point, Hope held out it's hand to him. He had refused it's hand for some time but ... it never gave up on him. Whether he chose to take it willingly or shove it away at times, it never left. **They** never left.

He closes his eyes and sighs. Leaning his head back against the wall, he thinks of how grateful he is for everything in his life. The team, his family, the second chance that he was given at life, he's grateful for them all. 

Bucky walks into the common room and sees Peter. He waves as Peter catches his eye. Peter waves back absentmindedly.

“How do you feel today Pete?” Bucky asks. 

Today, he feels … content. At peace with himself. It's been a long time since that's happened.

He shrugs at Bucky's question. "Fine," He says as Bucky gives him a look. He rolls his eyes playfully before answering, "Better."

Bucky tsks playfully. "You can't keep those emotions pent up in there remember? It's not-" 

"Good for me. Yeah I know." Peter finishes Bucky's sentence in an all knowing tone. 

Bucky softly smiles and slightly shakes his head. He sits down opposite Peter. "Whatcha thinking about?" He asks.

He's thinking about the first day he played Jenga with Dr Aston. He thinks about the question he didn't answer.

\---

_Peter nods and picks out another block. “If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?”_

_He stares at it for a while in silence and Dr Aston doesn’t say anything._

_He opens his mouth to answer then shuts it. He thinks for a while more before deciding on answering, “I-I don’t know.” He puts the block down and looks away._

_She writes this down and replies with one word. “Understandable.”_

\---

He smiles at the memory and tells Bucky about it. 

"What would you change Pete?" Bucky asks.

“I wouldn’t change anything. Everything and anything that has happened has made me into the person I am today. “ He tells Bucky.

Bucky nods in approval. "You've come a long way kid. From where you started a few weeks ago. You might not think of it as much progress because it's been such a short time, but every step counts to us."

Peter smiles at this. He nods, "I know."

Bucky pulls him in for a hug and ruffles his hair affectionately. 

"What's this? A hug fest and no one invited me?" Tony says as he enters the room. He lets out a dramatic gasp and smacks the back of his hand to his forehead. "Woe is me. No one wants to hug me anymore." He dramatically says as he starts to fake cry. 

Steve, who walked in with Tony, rolls his eyes. "What a drama queen. No one wanted to hug you in the first place." He says as Peter and Bucky crack up. 

Tony glares at Steve before walking over to Peter. "Where's my hug huh? I'm the best hugger around here for sure." 

Peter stands up and jokingly says "I don't see your imaginary trophy." 

"Here it is!" Bucky says as he pretends to give something to Peter.

"It's so light. It's almost like it doesn't exist!" Peter says as Tony glares at him. Steve chuckles and Bucky laughs out loud. 

"Well, I should get one then." He tells them before poking out his tongue. Peter lightly pushes his head and Tony stumbles back. He flicks Peter's forehead, earning an _ouch!_ from the younger boy. Peter rubs at his forehead and scowls at Tony. Steve smiles fondly at them.

"What's all the commotion?" Clint asks as he drops down from the vents and shocks Sam who had just walked into the room with Natasha, Bruce and Wanda. 

"Damnit Clint, don't do that!" Sam yells. Clint shrugs at him. Peter smiles. This is why he chose to live. They're the reason why. He loves them and they love him. 

Peter's learned a lot over these past weeks. He knows it's normal to feel the way he does sometimes. He knows now that he is loved even if he doesn't love himself. And although there are days that it might seem like everything is going wrong, there are people he can fall back on. He knows that even if he falls, they’ll always catch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I've incorporated a lot of me into Peter when writing this fic and it helps me to get a lot of my feelings out on most days. I hope you all enjoyed reading this and thank you again! <3


End file.
